snow snow go away
come back ... next year!

we have 2.5 FEET! currently and there is another 16" on the way ...

So love and thanks to everyone who knows I'm not a total slug.

I have accepted that I will forever be the black sheep in the family and that the worlds mis-revolution will be my fault. This is a fact and in someway I don't mind holding the title of the misbegotten fucked up daughter. It leaves lots of room for my sisters to hopefully do well and a guide on what things not to do. However, to each his own and we are entitled to make mistakes.

It is just a tired game.
I'm tired of people questioning everything I do. Seriously - have you not figured out I don't have a reason - most definately always. I will do what I need to do and you are not going to stop me, haven't you all figured this all out.

I can't live my life for you.
That's not how it works ...

It's hard because I didn't want to come back here from Ohio but I had no choice. It's like my body conspired against my mind. But it is what it is and I can't do anything about that but accept it.

Is reminding herself WHY she loves Lost so much ...

I missed most of Season 5 so I have been gearing up for the .... sad by true last season starting Tuesday.

*can't wait!*

I spent all day at Fire Mountain Gems buying stuff ...
Only because I had a gift certificate to use up.
*sigh*

OH the beeding magesty that shall soon begin.

Really I am ... trying.
Trying to be a "real" human being, I'm tired of being stuck in this house. It is toxic - will kill me - proven fact! Trying to keep myself positive despite the snarky comments that I daily get like "how are you ever going to work if you sleep all day and stay up all night?" Seriously? Like I've never been employed in my 29 years, like I've never lived on my own and fended for myself. Really people - everyone is real convienant at forgetting that I moved out at 17 and didn't live back at home until I was forced in at 25.

Got one interview down for this week and trying to set up another one next week ...
It is difficult NOT having a vehicle however, my sister doesn't care if I borrow her car when she is at work. Which works out because then I don't have to tangle with my mother. Who keeps questioning my job search capabilites. Is it full time? Will you have to travel? Why would you want to work in peoples homes, that is ridiculous. How are you going to pay for that? ra ra ra ...

Recognize I cannot get a really good paying job until I get my masters. I cannot get my masters until I pay down my student loans from the bachelors so then that way the government will give me money to go to school so we can start the cycle all over again. THAT is my "by the time you are 35" goal ... to be back in school for my masters. Maybe by then SOMEONE in this city will have gotten their shit together and there will be a comprehensive behavioralism degree because ... I really don't want to be a social worker. I don't care about peoples everyday problems, I'm not that nice.

Then there are the doctors ...
I have an appointment with my PCP today at 6:15 where I am going to have to petition for medical disability for a few more months so that I have coverage while I wait out this hiring process. (I have to renew all my clearences with the state - which I fucked when I moved to Ohio - before I can walk on the job and that takes at least a month for the state & federal govt to get their shit together even though there is NO record to speak of.) And I want help ... IF you people have NO IDEA what is wrong with me, you need to give me a formative plan for wellness AND I am educating myself against this IBS generic diagnosis.

And
TO make it all better ... bathroom demolition starts everyday at 8a.
The bathroom is across the hall from my bedroom ... *grrrrr* 

Ahchchchchaha!
I just realized that I spelt something wrong on my profile graphic.
*bastard!*
It's not that I spelt it wrong - it should be "no" instead of "not". I don't know where my mind was last night, I don't know where my mind is today or ... ever really. And I have no motivation to go into photoshop today and fix it so it will have to wait.

"It's no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person yesterday." from Through the Looking Glass spoken by the White Queen.

That is a picture of the White Queen from Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland which is more Through the Looking Glass than Alice in Wonderland. It excites me much. However, *sigh* the cat ... that dissapoints me. THE CAT IS BLUE! I'm sorry the Cheshire Cat is ... NOT ... BLUE! He is purple and pink. NOT BLUE! I own just about every single cat disney has ever made in every strange manipulation you could conjure and sorry - he's not blue. Reasons I didn't buy any of the new movie stuffs. I'm waiting for the rabbit though ... I have no rabbit stuffs. Or the caterpiller because ... *sigh again* Disney doesn't make him in ANYTHING because he's not positive. Damn you Disney ... like the Cheshire Cat is a positive image. *pffft!*

That was my happy moment for the day ... it's gone now.
I'm really not happy.

I'm so frustrated I could spit and I am trying really really really hard not to be self-destructive right now. REALLY HARD!
*I should get an award for this work*

I am so tired of being sick.
I am so tired of people not taking me seriously.
I am so tired of doctors putting me off with "Well we can't see you until Feb sometime."
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY!

I was in the ER Wednesday, there hasn't been a day in the last three months that I have not vomited something up or been in such pain that I want to cut off my right arm. And there is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. Every test comes back completely fine ... but obviously there is something wrong. Granted this is the best diet I have been on in my life since I've lost 98lbs in five months. But I am not supposed to feel like this. I am not supposed to be loosing weight because I can't stomach food. I feel bulimic. My chest hurts when I throw up and my teeth are starting to hurt. That is not a good sign ...

I've went as far as looking for a job again because it has been six months. I am terrified that I am going to get a job and then loose it because of this nonsence. Terrified - my resume cannot substain a hit like that again. MY career can't take it.

And I have a job interview next Friday ...
*sigh* But what am I supposed to do?
Sitting around this house is killing me and you know every 29 year old wants to live at home with their parents, have no car and no job, no money to do things like take their poor cat child to the vet because he is licking all his hair off and now pissing on my shoes! Ya. So even if I wanted to go somewhere I can't.

Sorry for being the downer - it's just hard.
Like I said ... so hard.

Oh - and by the way -
WHY is it such a big fucking deal if someone wants plastic surgery?
Do we really care?

ALAS ...

The communities are ... open.

tori_stillness  & toridesktops 

Go - prosper!

Lately ... I have had the harmonica part to "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young playing in my head.
Why I seriously don't know.

I haven't been here, I haven't been there.
I am really annoyed with everything around me ...

Seriously - there has to be more than ... than THIS.

I feel like I'm just floating ...

and if it seems I’m floating
in the darkness well ...

And it's winter outside ... and I just want to scream and yell.
Throw a two year old calaber tantrum
And bleed all over the perfectly white snow ....

Go away girls
bring good laughs
Steve McQueen
always takes him back
to a place where he saves
pictures of pictures of her face

Go away girls
go too fast
Steve McQueen plays
it takes him back to a place
where he has pictures of
pictures of pictures of that day

Go away girls
they go fast
Steve McQueen
always takes him back
to a place
where he has to bring her back

I dont really have anything to say ...
It was Christmas and I should be all happy and have lots to talk about but there really is nothing.

I've lost a week of my life and Christmas was somewhere in that week.
It just felt ... out of place ... wrong.

So - maybe ya.

I'm tired
I'm drained
And in a sad way ... I am happy.

Happy that this is over finally.

My grandfather passed away Tuesday, Dec 22nd ...

Ya ...

It is what it is ...
And
That's all that it is.

Rain ... lots of rain.
Mud
Rain some more
Tornadic conditions
Thunderstorms
And
More Rain again ...

To be followed by lots of freezing ice storms when it drops to 10f tonight ...

*oh...yaess!*
I love love LOVE western Pennsylvania in winter.

It is that time of year again ...

MEANING - if you've changed your address or think I might not have it, and want something via the snail mail.
Post the answers people.
Post ...

*screened to protect you*

Ahhh ... It hasn't effected my immediate family.
We aren't like that.

It has however allowed me to keep in touch with family that is out of state.

The first real snow that has set and blanketed the world fell here today ...

If I wasn't sick I would go roll in it.

However I did take the furbabies out and put their feets in it. *he!*

I give up seriously ...

I hath decided that at 1130a this morning that beer ... beer was better than coffee.
Ya ... it's like that.

I went through a box of things that I had written between 2003-2005 the other day. Needless to say 99.9% of the box was disposed of because I had nothing to say that I thought was worth remembering. It's hard to read things that you have written when you were fucked up and in pain.

I just have the overwhelming feeling that things are going to get a HELL of a lot harder before they ever become easy ...

I've created a monster
Because no one wants Marshell
They want Shady
I'm chopped liver ...

Hopes that all had a blessed Thanksgiving ...
Where ever you are out there in this world.

xoxo